“Some days you win and some days you lose,” they say. The reality is, though, through the past year I’ve “taken the L” more than I have in my entire life.

Loss seemed to come after loss once the pandemic hit: first my job, then career opportunities, then a deep friendship, and, ultimately, someone that I thought I would marry. (And, no, he isn’t dead – just not in my life anymore. Praise the good Lord.)

And, disclaimer, the direction of this post is, of course, “lose everything and find yourself.” But classic clichés aside, through continual rejection both professionally and relationally, I have learned strength. Through letting go of significant, but toxic, relationships, I have discovered important relational patterns.

The revelation: I have a propensity to be drawn toward structures, organizations and individuals that are harmful and controlling. I have unearthed threads of spiritual, emotional and sexual abuse throughout the past several years, realizing I have allowed their hold over me to make my heart bitter and defeated.

Still, time is healing these wounds. The year 2020 began as I was still processing the pain and uncertainty after leaving an unhealthy job in 2019, and it came to a close after bringing countless challenges and defeat. I am so lucky to have found freedom through this immense failure, though, and I now choose to leave the bitterness behind in 2020 with it.

So, goodbyes are in order.

To the organization that prides itself on fixing broken young adults – you damage them. You gaslight them. Thank you for teaching me how to think for myself and identify unhealthy power structures in the workplace. I am grateful for the ways you damaged me so that I could learn my strength.

To the friend that couldn’t handle my brokenness – I truly hope you learn what grace looks like. It must be lonely under the weight of your impossible standards. Thank you for reminding me of my worth apart from meeting others’ needs. I have learned to take care of and provide for myself: not just for others.

To the boy who couldn’t respect my boundaries – “no” means no. It does not mean convince her. I shook my head and you said, “use your words.” I guess I was too stunned and scared to do so. Thank you so much for helping me find my voice. I will never fail to use it again.

Through it all, I’ve won persistence. I’ve gained direction. I’ve reclaimed my voice.

Yes, we may “win some and lose some,” but this is a testament and a reminder that the losses might be more valuable than the wins. I am celebrating this today.