Today, I feel I have so many thoughts to voice but I don’t know how.

I want to tell you about how I have been rediscovering my love for plants and it has been giving me so much joy to watch fresh water run through the cracks in the soil of my two half-dead succulents and begin seeping into the roots. I want to share how special discussions with my brother have been lately, whether about the nature of humanity or memes and tacos. I want to admit that I am really struggling in being obedient in asking friends and family for financial support for my new ministry opportunity: not only do I not want to make them uncomfortable but also I hate having to ask for help.

And, when I say I don’t know how to voice these things, I mean I actually drafted up three different introductory paragraphs on each of these three topics but none of them felt quite right. I feel that to describe one apart from the others would convey a certain sense of control over each situation that I just don’t find authentic.

Since my life only makes sense right now in the context of the confusing mess of all of the above and more, I feel it would be dishonest to convey anything else.

After living much of the summer consumed with things that, in retrospect, don’t matter at all, I can say that returning to the wondrous reality of a fulfilling life spent with the Lord is not easy however promised or necessary it might be.

Still, I can’t act surprised as this is a dance I know all too well. I love to run away from God, falsely convinced I could do life better without Him. Eventually, I surrender from whatever mess I’ve found myself in, allowing Him to heal the pieces of my broken heart and realizing that all my running was in vain as God was with me every step of the way.

Healing can be painful. Waking up is hard.

But.

Healing is necessary to experience freedom and waking up isn’t a choice.

In Ephesians 5:14, Paul writes,

Awake O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

This is a command followed by a promise. Is neither a question nor a suggestion. God is commanding us out of our sin and into abundant life. Once truly living we experience Christ and without Christ we are never truly living.

So, just as the water first flows through the cracks of the soil before seeping into the roots of my half-dead plants so also it is with His presence and my heart. Spending time with God has me feeling refreshed, but I am now waiting for truth to sink deeper again.

Just as my brother and I have agreed that human life supersedes mere existence and could be characterized by free will, thought, and a distinct creative or emotional capacity so too have I been experiencing awe and wonder as I watch wind softly make its way through the trees or hear of the transformational growth of a close friend.

And, as I humble myself, surrendering to the uncomfortable task of asking for help, I am forced to lean more on God, trusting He’s in control and I’m not. I am brought back to His presence, the literal Living Water sustaining my dry and fearful soul.

I’d like to think the journey deeper into God’s heart isn’t linear, but rather cyclical. I think it might continually look like this cycle of waking up: beginning with God, resulting in abundant life and overflowing into steps of faith. Every morning is new opportunity to wake up and be in awe of who God is.

It’s almost comical that, in the beginning of the summer, I started a blog about experiencing rest in God’s presence and then proceeded to bolt back to the dry wilderness just for Him to take my hand and teach me of the beauty of His grace all over again.

So, here’s to waking up.

“Every day is another try to choose to do more than survive. We could do more than survive. We cannot run this love is all we have: without it we are nothing.” Tow’rs – Vanilla Pines